Her gift to me

It’s been a rough few weeks for me.

I miss Mona tremendously. It hasn’t got any better…in fact it’s amplified. The loss has somehow become “larger” as the numbness of the loss wears off and life moves on.

I started several posts but was unable to finish most as they just kinda meandered and went nowhere.  And while that might be therapeutic in a way, it just seems like just a venting of random  things, not meaningful, and not really worth the time to put into a written form.

So it’s been quiet here. Not because of lack of thought, just because I haven’t been able to sort things out in my head to put things in writing.

Right now I’m in the middle of the “writing season” for me. Where I get to feed my artistic side and somewhat recharge my battery (while simultaneously depleting it…it’s complicated…maybe I’ll explain it sometime) through creation.

And it struck me…

I wouldn’t be doing any of this if it wasn’t for Mona.

She dragged me (LITERALLY) to a marching band practice almost 20 years ago now to just come hang out with her and watch her teach the colorguard and Independence High School.

Fast forward a few years and I was running the box and working with some of the best people I’ve ever met in my life.

I got to flex my creative side and learn how to write drill and then eventually staging for guard and have been exposed to so many amazing perfomers and fellow instructors, judges, and truly fine human beings through this thing.

And it was because she saw and KNEW it was something that I would truly love. She saw the passion there.

And now she’s gone.

It feels unfair to me. Like she bought the lottery ticket but somehow I’m the one that gets to  keep the money after winning.

It’s been a very hard challenge for me this season because I second guess EVERYTHING I write, and marching band is HARD because you have to temper the ability level and keep things POSSIBLE for the performers with your creativity.

Everything is measured and weighted.

Mona used to be my second set of eyes reassuring me that things would work. That a certain moment was really cool and had lots of potential…or wouldn’t work because of an equipment change….or reminding me of some idea I had casually mentioned to her on a car ride 2 years ago and she was actually listening to me babble…

“Remember that idea you had? I think that would work in this part don’t you?”

A true partner who had my back. And made me feel like I could actually DO this thing and not screw it up for everyone.

I miss that extra voice being constantly there. Being able to call over to the other room and have her roll her eyes and say…

“YES RYAN, it’s FINE..it looks GREAT….”

Or when I really got something right…

“Wow hon that’s really cool.”

I miss it very very much. It highlights the loss of Mona in yet another way that I wasn’t expecting.

And then I realize that this is just a small sliver of how she did that for me in everyday life. How her words of encouragement extended far beyond just pageantry, but to me as a dad, as a caregiver, as a man.

I feel I might have taken that for granted. And it crushes me to think of that.

Did she know how much I appreciate that?

Did she know that she gave me that gift of confidence?

I like to think she did.

I’m pretty sure she did.

I’d give anything to be able to hug her and tell her “thank you” for that gift right this moment.

So I try to sit here in silence and visualize Mona telling me these things. I don’t know if it’s healthy. I don’t care.

It helps.

I’ll take anything that does at this point.

9 Replies to “Her gift to me”

  1. Keep those memories flowing Brother… I’m sure she’s watching over all of you now….. Peace and blessings to you all!

  2. You can do this because Mona is watching you, guiding you. Don’t forget you have so many that love you and can be 3rd eyes. Just reach out, such as to Lee.

    1. Ryan, after 47 years together I lost my best friend, my protector, my supporter, my lover, my husband in January of this year. Your missive brought me again to tears. Any way you seek peace and comfort is right for you. Don’t ever apologize for anything you say, do or feel. Mona gave you a wonderful daughter, just as Joe gave me Joe, Erika and a wonderful life. We can both revel in our memories and our blessings. May God protect you and bless you and may your friends comfort you.

      1. Joe is one of those amazing people that was brought into my life by Mona. An amazing man you and your husband raised. Thank you so much for your comment here…and I am so so sorry for your loss. Love and light to you and all of yours.

  3. Ryan she is with you. Watching over you! You can channel her spirit into your creativity and do great things just as if she was there with you. Use her as your inspiration. One moment at a time. Hugs!!

  4. You two were one… and she will continue to live on in your heart and mind. Trust in what she says. She will be there for you, just as she had always been… for as long as you need her to be. 💕

  5. Mona is still with you honey and she is still helping you write. She knows she gave you confidence and she still does. Follow what your heart says you should do in your writing. She is helping you still. I love you honey.

    1. Very thoughl provoking and deep and just that you realize all if this is amazing. She is with you somehow in another dimension.

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