As a child who grew up with a lot of instability in my childhood…one thing that I focused on as I “grew up” was trying to achieve a sense of stability.
I wanted to get married and stay that way.
I wanted my children to have stability and to be part of an “unfractured” family.
Side Note: This isn’t because my childhood was bad. Yes, we struggled. We didn’t have a ton of money. But my Mom worked her tailbone off to provide for us and to give us things well above her means. As a kid, you don’t think about these things. You don’t see them. But when you age and you see the true cost of things and just how much it takes to survive in this world, you start to have a higher level of appreciation.
My Mom never said “No” to me when it came to my pursuits. She paid band fees and for trips and all kinds of other things that I KNOW she sacrificed to make happen. She taught me how to prioritize things…and I started working at a very young age to get the things I wanted.
I’ve come to realize that a huge reason why I’m “hurting” is because that dream of mine …and how much work I put into it…well…it was basically shattered by Cancer.
It’s a hard thing to accept. Especially when it’s through no fault of your own…that your dream just collapses.
And you have to start over.
And you can’t..no matter what you do…realize that original goal you had. It’s not a possibility.
So there’s an inherent instability in my life now that I’m searching and looking to shore up.
But it’s damn hard to focus on that when you have the entire world you knew basically becoming unstable on EVERY level.
Personal. Work. The News. The Economy. You name it. It’s unstable as of late.
When everything you’ve assumed starts to turn and show stress fractures… It’s a test of your mettle.
How do you endure the instability? How do you face the unknown?
I’ve found that you need to find those bedrock unshakeable things to build outwards from.
My love of creating art.
My passion for people and engaging (which anyone who knows me is incredibly paradoxical because I’m actually a pretty insane introvert until something gets my motor started…then it flips and I got hyper extrovert)
I need to focus on these things.
I need to build a new foundation that can survive all the outside threats and build on those core things.
There are many lessons I’ve learned on this road. But there’s one thing that grief absolutely does.
It tests you. It cuts to the bone and challenges you unlike anything else. It doesn’t have mercy. It doesn’t have malice. It just “is”.
And when it stares at you. You either stare back and face it down…or succumb to its domination of you.
And though I may occasionally blink or turn my head…
I’m learning every day how to stare back.
I’m thankful ever so much for those of you that remind me of what I need to do. I’m not sure I could win this staring contest without you.