Pole Reversal

(Quick note here)

It’s been a weird few months. I’ve drafted up several entries here and have left them unpublished. The thought has kept me from hitting that publish button has been…

“Who wants to hear me whine more?”

There’s only so many ways to express yourself when you’re going through a hard time…and when you do it for long enough I think in peoples minds they become numb to it. Not out of any ill-will, but everyday life is hard enough to get through without taking on the weight of another constantly.

But then I’ve realized now that this is my space to process and log and keep my progress going…so…I’ll get those other posts up at some point. If they seem like they are out of order…that’s the reason.

(End of quick note)

Today marks the anniversary of the day I wed the love of my life. One of my ONLY regrets in my relationship with Mona was that I didn’t pull the trigger sooner. Actually, both of us regretted that, but at the end of the day it was more of a technicality than anything.

Our wedding day was one that I absolutely loved to talk about. The wedding was great…I was a blubbering mess on the altar (as anyone who was there could attest to), and we had a simply amazing bridal party. Our best and closest friends and family.

The ceremony was beautiful with the stained glass lined chapel sending light through at just the right time (what we had actually hoped for with the timing of the ceremony) and man was Mona gorgeous.

But that was just the beginning. The reception was truly epic. It was already a big invite list, but it just kept growing over the course of the night and kept getting crazier and crazier. Anyone that attended knew it was a great reception.

Truly one of the best days of my life. Only topped by the day my daughter was born.

Mona and I talked about that day constantly…reminding each other of little details we had forgotten. It was an anchor point for us and something we were truly proud of. Our entire lives were there. Family, friends, co-workers, former students we had taught, colleagues…the very fabric of who were were and had grown to as a couple was all represented in that one big reception hall.

And then she passed.

And now…the poles have reversed it seems in my mind. That day sits as a reminder for me of so many things that are now gone.

I can’t share those little memories with Mona anymore…and miss more than anything hearing her snicker as she reminded me of some stupid thing I did or say that day in the playful manner she would say to me when she thought it was “cute” that I did something but knew I was embarrassed about it.

Rather than being this amazing positive affirmation of life, it’s now a reminder of loss. And honestly, it’s the hardest day of them all for me. It was OUR day. Truly and uniquely ours. Something we were able to share as our own private holiday.

As I’ve been on this path the second year I’m realizing that the first year was all about processing the loss and just fighting through that haze. Recovering from the head and body blows that life had laid me out on the mat with. Wobbling to your feet and making my way to the corner to get patched up by my cutman to try and take the next onslaught that life, smirking from it’s own corner from across the ring was going to come at me with next. Clubber Lang ready to end me badly.

The second year has been about truly realizing the void. The swelling from the beating has gone down a bit and that’s revealing how much of me is now missing. I now see and FEEL the empty spaces.  Intensely. The grief isn’t there all the time now, but when it hits, it hits bone. It resonates and strikes deeply.  And it comes out of nowhere instead of having been lurking in my peripheral vision. It just pounces out of the darkness and goes straight for the emotional jugular.

This kinda goes back to what I had written about earlier. Being bankrupt on the emotional side of things and feeling that loss tremendously.

The only thing I can hope for is at some point I’m able to look at that amazing day again with remembrance and wistfulness that will outweigh the sadness and loss I currently feel. I’m trying to get there. It’s hard work. I still feel the happiness, but the loss just overtakes me. And that hurts even more.

The cost of love is high. I’m understanding that on a level that is pretty extraordinary now. The deeper you love the higher the cost. The more the risk. I spoke in my group last night about how everyone that is at the group counseling was there because our love was real..and deep…and if had not been we wouldn’t be bothering with trying to figure out how we get past our loss. I’m not really sure there’s even an answer or solution to that. Only reconciliation and acceptance. Not really something to look forward to, but its something better than what is.

I miss you every day Mona. I miss your confidence in me. I miss your belief in me. It made me believe in myself.

I miss being able to sit in awe of you and your love of life and your willingness to fight for it every day. I miss your laugh and your ability to get me to laugh. A truly hard thing to do since my cynical nature naturally deflects things.

You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

4 Replies to “Pole Reversal”

  1. Please know that I am here reading your words and holding you in healing, witnessing space. She was an amazing woman and I am certain a woman such as she would not have chosen someone not her equal. Please know you are cared for be people you have never met Big soft hugs… let our caring in.

    1. Thank you so much Misty. Mona challenged me in so many ways…forced me to be confident in myself and my abilities. I honestly never realized how much I relied on that until she was gone. She was lucky to have been surrounded by so many who loved her (as am I). Again, thank you…this helps a lot =)

  2. First, don’t ever feel that you shouldn’t publish your writings in this space because the audience might think you are whining. If the audience gets tired or bored, it can stop reading. I will admit I have not read all of your musings, but that is usually because I don’t have the time when I see one of your pieces pop up on my FB newsfeed. This is your space to put down your feelings and you never know when something you want to say may have an impact on your readers.
    For example, what I just read has me thinking about what my father must have gone through after my mom died. None of us ever talked about our feelings-we are all too passive-aggressive and introverted to do that, and I just never thought about how losing her affected him. They had been married almost 26 years. I do know from my own observations, his wounds eventually healed and I am sure that healing was helped along by having a group of people that surrounded him with love and support.
    So, do what you need to do to work through all your feelings and know that you have a huge support network still interested in reading what you have to say.

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